It hurts so bad. I wish I could find a way to shut off my emotions. A pill I could take, to not feel anymore. The words, the actions... the rip me apart. And nobody knows. I will put on a smile - and you will never know.

I am making a consious decision to drug myself away from this pain. Maybe not a brilliant decision, but I know I can't live like this any longer. PEOPLE HURT. God, they hurt so bad. And I certainly don't take the phrase 'know I can't live like this any longer' easily.

Off to see what numbing drugs I have in my stash.

Such a bad day yesterday. A BAD, BAD day. Then I topped if off by taking my sleep meds, and talking drunken like with people I barely know.

Got to love it.

My Christmas tree is still up, in June. Though my house is finally coming together a bit more, thankfully. The tree is just not in the way at all, so tends to get over looked. But I do need to get it down soon. Or I will have to change the decorations to fourth of july stuff.

My cousin is still pregnant with the twins. She hit 36 weeks yesterday, and the twins are probably 5.5 pounds a piece now. She has been on bedrest for 8 weeks. We got through the hard part. I have been going over 4-5 days a week to help take care of her, and her 17 month old son. He is a joy, truly. But wears me out. Some people are able to gather extra energy when required, but not me. That energy is sapped from all other portions of my life.

Anyway, my goal was to help get her to a safe point with the babies. ANd I think we succeeded.

Hell - I cant even say 'same ole shit, different day'. Much worse shit, every day.

And my christmas tree is still up. In April.

It would be different if the doctors would start givng me some hope. They believe I am medication resistant. So there is no hope for me. I will most likely never get better.

I am in such a dark, dark place. I have been good about not cutting. but everyday my resolve weakens.

I am so tired of life. No gaurantees, I know.

I dont know that I believe in God... but if there is a god, please God - help me. I am on my knees, begging.

Why do I consistently have heart palpitations? I talked to the doctor about it once, but he said it fairly normal and common. But is it normal and common to be happening multiple times an hour? And sometimes, it does it two-three times in a row, and that really sucks.

Wow. Been a while since I have been here. Forgot I had a journal, actually. Then tonight, got this urge to write... and wasnt sure where to write it. COSA or ASH. COSA is the 12 step group I am trying to participate in after figuring out just how sex/love addicted my ex-husband truly is. And after figuring out just how co-dependent I truly am. So I have succeeded (for now) to extract myself from the addict/codie dance... but have lost one of my best friends in the process. My exhusband just cannot continue to be my best friend. So I am definitely in a period of mourning. Mourning many losses. The physical loss of him in my life, the losses of my hopes and dreams, regarding him, and love in general. I am definitely not denying that I am a codependent... just to recover from that seems to have more energy than I have. And they want me to look 'deeper' at myself, acknowledge my feelings. I just dont think they can handle my feelings. Nor is it fair to burden a group of good people, trying to find self love and respect, and drag them into my shit.

I am not sure that I can get better. Getting better takes energy, energy I dont have. Nor do I want evaluate my past, open wounds that have since scarred over, acknowledge things I dont want/cant remember. I just want to be healed, without opening wounds. Not very realistic. But on a side note, I am supposed to evaulate my child hood. How does on do that with very, very few memories of their childhood?

And ultimately, a waste of time. I have the means in my possession to suicide at this time. My time is coming soon... I can feel it sneak up on me.

But since I am the maid of honor in my best friends' wedding, I have to get through that. Though that is putting pressure on me that I did not expect when I accepted my duties. I just never expected the wedding would be as large as an extravagant as it has turned out to be. But got through the bridal shower. The dress/shoes are just about taken care, with one exception of the shoes that the dress lady screwed up. And their wedding is at the end of April, so it should be worked out by then. And somehow, I have to put together a joint bachelor/rette party for the two, which is difficult since we cant come up with a time or an invite list. And we are running out of time. And since these are the only two friends that have stuck by me, I cannot leave them in a lurch at their wedding. I want to cause the least amount of pain possible for everyone, and suciding shortly before their wedding that I have been an integral part of planning would really suck for them. Meanwhile, they have no idea how difficult it is for me to help plan a wedding, while I am heartbroken, myself.

Then there is a cousin that is pregnant with twins, so I wait until after the wedding, we are now waiting until June. Her pregnancy is high risk... I dont want to add stress to her right now. So my original thought was sometime in May - but the babies are due in June. But my birthday is in May, and that would be my chosen time. On the date of birthday. Seems fitting, I suppose.

I still have no insurance. Still no daily meds, except the sleep meds and anti-anxietys I order online.

Meawhile, my son is now on anti-depressants, and isolating like me. DAMN IT, I am taking my kids down with me. And we cannot have that. What sort of parent takes their kids down with them - the lifestyle I live is not healthy for them. Maybe they would have a better chance in a healthier environment. As parents, I feel I would give up my life for my kids... and maybe that time is drawing near.

Sleep meds are kicking in. They knock me out pretty good at night, usually, and keep the nightmares away.

During another sleepless night last night, it occurred to me that I will never find another person to love me. Really, I am not sitting here feeling sorry for myself... I am just facing reality. Who would choose to love someone like me? I am not attractive enough to have someone fall in love with my looks. I am emotionally unstable. And often times I desire death. Hey you! Come fall in love with me! I have two kids by separate fathers. I have no job and live on disability. I am overweight, not especially attractive. And undeniably selfish. Yeah right. Maybe my standards are too high. I should look for some welfare bum. The fat welfare chicks seem to have no problem finding their abusive guys.

I am not really even desiring to be with my ex right now. We have (had?) a comfortable love. Which is all good... but he really does deserve so much more. If you love someone, you set them free. The rest of the phrase is not even worth taking into consideration.

Anyway, been off my meds for a while now - and still feeling somewhat better. Kind of odd really. A bit more energy. Not so many naps during the day.

Busy day today. My daughter is off to a play with my mom. Then my ex and I are taking the kids to the pumpkin patch. Better get moving. We all need bathed.

Have been off all my meds except the sleep ones for a week or so. And I am feeling less suicidal. Maybe that is because I have been keeping busy, for the most part. My step-mom had surgery the other day, so been spending alot of time with her. And I really do enjoy her.

My House. Oh. My. God. It is awful. It is 12:40pm, and both kids are having someone pick them up HERE at 3pm. I really need to get on the ball.

Still been real hit and miss on the sleep issue. Although I have slept decently the past two nights. But - I drugged myself up pretty heavily. Wonder what I will do when I am out of sleep drugs?

Ok. I am off to make my 'list' for the house and get started on it. High hopes, I guess.

I am so tired. I have been up four(!) times tonight. This is getting so ridiculous.

And now I have no medical insurance to even make a doctors appointment to complain. Damned if I do, damned if I dont.



Off back to bed to try to squeeze in a couple more hours of sleep.

For the first time in a long time, I am resisting the urge to cut. Successfully, so far. The urge is there, and hopefully dimishes (rather than intestifies) the next few days.

I am really battling meds. Forget for a while that I dont have insurance anyway... apparently they just decided to cover my son and not me. That is really not the basis for my... unsettled feelings regarding the meds.

I am still searching for that magic combo of pills that will 'stabilize' me. But so far we have only succeeded in stabilizing a depressed/suicidal state. The drugs make me feel numb, overly tired, and all around lethargic - mentally and physically. So I have a choice... living with the bipolar ups and downs, or living in an empty shell. What the hell kind of choice is that? How does one choose? I sit here, and totally 'veg' out. I dont hear what is going on around me. I dont even hear the kids until they speak multiple times. Then it takes me a minute to actually register what is being said of me. Oh... and the last few days I have been very irritable. Heaven forbid someone wants to eat dinner.

My house is getting gross again. I hope to go to bed early tonight (its already 11pm), sleep well, get up early and get my daughter to daycare. Then hopefully get some stuff down around the house. Awfully ambitious of me. Other mothers do this every damn day. And I succeed about twice a week... MAYBE.

Sometimes I doubt the bipolar diagnosis. Maybe it is just strickly major depression. I am still waiting (over a year now) for a manic or hyper manic stage. I have no energy. I sit here and do mindless things all day. I have ZERO motivation. I can sit in my recliner for hours, staring blankly at the TV before I realize I am watching kid shows. And the thing is, my mind is mostly blank.

I have been slacking off on taking meds lately - except my sleep meds, and I am even cutting down on those. The nightmares are SO much better. But other than that, no noticeable differences. The headaches every evening are still coming. I assumed that was med related. I take Advil probably 3 times in the evening, and sometimes in the middle of the night. I know if I lay down with a slight headache, I will wake up to it roaring. In a bipolar list I lurk on, someone was commenting on headaches (migraines alot of times) and their frequency. It was amazing to see how many others piped up to say they also experience headaches daily. I wonder if it is the meds we are on, or something really fucked up in the brain chemistry.

Sometimes I wish my docs would order the physical tests that can prove bipolar. I wonder if I really am bipolar if I am just eternally lazy.

And lets not even get started on how desperately I need a part time job.

For the first time in weeks, I slept pretty decently. Only woke up from nightmares twice and was able to fall back to sleep pretty easily.

I am even working on laundry! Third load is drying now... probably 15 loads left. No kidding.

Now I have to put some thought into the job situation. If I dont work, I dont have meds. But then again - how well are the meds working anyway? But still, I cant give up hope on the meds. Besides, some extra income might be nice.

Laid down for an hour and half... no sleep. Not even close.

I only took a single dose of sleep meds tonight since the nightmares were so bad with the double dose last night. And it appeared to do no good anyway.

Off to watch somethings on Tivo... preparing for another bad night.

So I spent half the day dozing. Not really sleeping though, so I still feel exhausted. Though my daughter did crawl up in my arms and she napped too - that was nice. Did get the house cleaned up, mostly kinda sorta. Now I have to concentrate on laundry.

It occurred to me today that I have to get a part time job to get some sort medical insurance. I dont know why that thought escaped me the past couple of weeks. I dont know what to do. I can barely take care of myself and the kids. On the other hand, maybe it would do me some good to be forced out of the house. The quarter is still in the air on that one.

I went 24 hours without food... it wasnt all that hard. I am going to buy a book on juice fasting so I can do it the right way.

I am going to *try* to go to bed early tonight. Part of me wants the sleep so bad... the other part is scared of laying in bed, the nightmares, the silence of laying there. But my body is so tired. I keep seeing these little flying things in my peripheral vision.

Every night about 8pm, I start to get a pounding headache. At least advil mostly takes care of it. Not sure if it is due to meds, weather or what.

Who knows.

After four fun filled hours, I am awake again. And anyone who knows me - knows 4 hours is way to little sleep for me.

The nightmares are back in full force. When I wake up from one, I close my eyes and am instantly transported back to that nightmare again. If I happen to fall asleep, the nightmare continues where it left off, or occasionally a new one will start. Oh god, make them stop. They are so very awful. I used to half a couple of sure fire things I thought about which would usually take my mind off of them, at least while I fell back asleep. Those arent working anymore. The nightmares are so terrible that I wake up in a panic state. Someday, I wish I could talk about the nightmares, but not yet... no... not yet.

My great great Aunt died yesterday. Not a big deal because we were not close in the least (she lived out of state, but is coming back here for burial) and she was close to 90. But I cant help thinking it was somehow my fault. I kept obsessing over death the past few days. And when I saw my aunt's number pop up on my caller id at 8am, I knew there was something wrong. It was so eerie, watching the phone ring -- knowing it held bad news. I almost didnt answer, but I turned off my answering machine (starting to have phone anxiety again.) so they would be unable to leave a message. I knew they would just call right back.

You know those little bumps you get on your tongue towards the back? Well I have a couple of large ones growing. I can feel them in the back of my mouth, and it makes swallowing difficult. I constantly feel like I have food stuck back there. Not sure what to make of the bumps. Maybe I will research it and see what I can find.

I have been reading up on fasting, and its benefits (and its dangers as well) and have decided to try. Though I will probably end up fasting on diet mt dew rather than juices or water encouraged.

It appears there are many benefits to fasting. We will see. Apparently on the third day, you no longer feel hungry and start feeling euphoric and engerized. Maybe it will give me motivation to clean my house. I would like to quit smoking and the caffeine so I could do the cleansing part properally. Partially a control thing I have, partially to see if I can lose weight, partially because we have little food in the house that I will eat, and mostly because I am simply curious. Note, this does not include dehydration.

Call it a cleansing of the body if you will. Or maybe a warped way of self injury.

At least I havent cut in a long time.

Tears all day. For no real obvious reasons. Maybe I have just been numb for too long.

Why am I this way? Sure... there are chemical imbalances to blame. But sometimes I wonder about the imbalances in *my* brain. Since meds dont seem to help.

I took *double* my sleep meds, and am still awake. Hmpf. So that means I took enough to knock over TWO horses.

For legal reasons, I have had to leave my *safe* ash, and return to the public one. I still dont understand all the legalities. And I have lost quite a few 'friends' because I simply can not justify financially participating in something coming under legal fire. Doesnt matter that we refused to discuss suicide methods... just the fact that we simply existed was enough I guess. I still dont understand it. I feel the lose in my life of these friends. I know others cannot understand it, but to be able to discuss *anything* and not be condemned was nice. Having people to confide in was nice. But no more.

My ex is starting to get very suspicious that something is going on with me. I will have to try a bit harder to put on a happy face for him. That also means I have to try harder to keep up the house and my physical appearance. Not showering for days on end doesnt look (or probably smell) too good.

Why do I hide how I am feeling? Because no one can help. There is nothing for them to do. All it does is burden them with feelings - and I dont want to do that. At this point, I wish I could just fade *unnoticed* into the wood work.

I spent some time today researching Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). I came across this site: http://www.nmha.org/infoctr/factsheets/27.cfm There, it states:


Common symptoms of winter depression include the following:
A change in appetite, especially a craving for sweet or starchy foods (yep.)
Weight gain (definitely.)
A heavy feeling in the arms or legs (especially the arms)
A drop in energy level (oh yeah.
Fatigue (most definitely.)
A tendency to oversleep (all too frequent)
Difficulty concentrating (what was I saying?)
Irritability (I think other people notice this one)
Increased sensitivity to social rejection (probably)
Avoidance of social situations (definitely)

The problem is... I can feel these things year around. Just much more so in the winter. I think most (if not all) of my suicide attempts have been during winter months. It also says:

Possible Cause of this Disorder
Melatonin, a sleep-related hormone secreted by the pineal gland in the brain, has been linked to SAD. This
hormone, which may cause symptoms of depression, is produced at increased levels
in the dark. Therefore, when the days are shorter and darker the production of
this hormone increases.

So they suggest the use of light boxes. And if lightboxes dont work, they suggest: If phototherapy doesn’t work, an antidepressant drug may prove effective in
reducing or eliminating SAD symptoms, but there may be unwanted side effects to consider. Discuss your symptoms thoroughly with your family doctor and/or mental
health professional.

Hmm. Yes, you could definitely say that my depression gets much worse in the winter. A friend of mine once told me I was like a solar calculator, I need sunlight to function. But overall, I dont think it is worth pursuing since I think my problems lie much deeper than that. Besides, these 'lightboxes' cost hundreds to thousands of dollars.

I just took a sleep disorder quiz... and this is what it says:

Sleep Apnea (not sure that I agree with this one - I dont think I snore)
Insomnia (obviously)
Restless Leg Syndrome (I knew that)
Circadian Rythm Sleep Disorder (some sort of melatonin confusion in the brain - not sure what to think of that)

Anyway, enough for now. I have one other post I want to make, then off to try to sleep.

My current meds:

200-400mg Serequel (sleepy med)
15mg Temazepam aka Restoril (sleepy med)
.5mg Klonopin twice daily (anti-anxiety)
200mg Lamictal (mood stabilizer)
15mg Abilify (anti-psychotic)
.5mg Cogentin (to minimize acathesia)
300mg Wellbutrin (anti-depressant)
I am on enough sleepy meds to knock out a horse. You would think I should be sleeping better, but no. It takes me forever to fall asleep. Then after I do, I am plagued by nightmares. Awful nightmares. I toss and turn. Then at some point during the night my daughter comes in to bed with me, waking me up - then I have to try even harder to fall back asleep. But she is sleeping in her own bed now, at least until about 1-4am then she comes crying into my room.

I am not so anxious as I once was. I think that is because I am too numb to feel much. Overall, I look at the amount of meds I take, and no wonder I am so numb.

Sometimes I wonder if I would benefit from some form of long term live in psychiatric unit. But I guess I am not crazy enough. Besides, I know of no long term psychiatric places like that. Heh - I just googled it, and found many studies showing increased suicide rate upon release. And only found one long term mental health unit in my state, and that appears to be more for prisoners, or nursing home care. Besides, that doesnt even include my county. After researching it more, it appears that the only way to get into one of these places is to commit a crime of some sort.

Wow - I had more to say, but my daughter just woke up to go to my bed. And I am not there. She is not a happy camper.

I think I have been obsessing over death. But how do you stop that? Every where I go, I think of it. I wonder if that squirell over there has escaped being hit by a car... and how many times. I drive down the street, and look at other drivers and wonder how their life has been touched by death. I surf the internet, and look at death related things. Mostly people recovering from a death of a loved one whether it be suicide or death by more natural causes. I can't even begin to tell you how many hours I have spent online recently. The house is really suffering. Though Betsy (my aunt) came by and picked up her computer yesterday, and didnt say one word about my house. Bless her.

I have also began to rethink my 'trip' idea from a year or two. I still want to go that special place, see just how special it really is. I have thought about taking my tent, camping out. Though I have been camping very few times in my life. Though I think I would struggle with putting up such a big tent. I could probably buy a smaller one, I suppose. I have been dreaming about it all day. Would I come home? I dont think so. This is more of a spirtual journey for me. One where I could maybe put things back into perspective, whether that be choosing life or death. One bad thing would be how difficult it would be to come home again if I choose not to go through with the suicide plans.

At any rate, it would be next spring before I could go. Too cold right now. Well, not actually right now - but it will be soon. Sooner than I could make plans anyway.

They are cancelling my online game. I am so bummed. It used to allow me a place to go to escape reality. Sometimes for hours upon hours. The game doesnt officially end until the end of December. But I have lost all motivation to play it.

I have pretty much lost motivation all together. Though I did get my daughter out to the park for a quite a while today. My goal for tomorrow is to get her to daycare.

My ex is getting suspicious. I think he asked me like 10 times today what is wrong. And wouldnt believe me when I said I was fine. Not that I blame him, but what else am I supposed to say? I am falling, further and further. There is no way he can help me. There is no way anyone can help me.

Besides, I wont put anymore guilt on him. If only he knew how I truly felt though. In our last 'real' talk one day last week, he made it clear that we have no future. I guess I was still holding out some hope. But I guess since *I* have no future, I cant say anything. So I told him the things he wanted to hear. I didnt cry, at least not in front of him. I think I might have been pretty convincing to him.

I hate having to wear a facade all the time. With my ex it is the 'ok I dont love you so much it hurts' act. With him, and everyone else - it is the happy shiny face. SURE. Everything is hunky dorey. Everything is just fine. All the while I am torn up inside. Into millions of little pieces. I want to cry out. To scream. But what would I say? There is nothing more to be said. No use calling attention to a situation that noone can help with.

What do I really expect from others? I used to have all these expectations, and get down right pissed when those expectations went unmet. Now, I think I have very minimal expectations. I know better what to expect from my mom, my ex, and others. And basically, I have been taught not to expect much. No big deal though - others should have very little expectations from me, and I know I rarely meet those expectations. I am no better than those I bitch about.

http://groups.google.com/groups?hl=en&lr=&q=qsuess+&qt_s=Search

I started posting in ASH in 1999... maybe earlier. I deleted *many* of my posts...

It is amazing what I wrote then. How my circumstances are eerily similar. That is my own problem though. I haven't made many changes. I guess I am awfully lazy.

I miss the old Ash. And the friends I had.

Another post to ASH many moons ago... http://groups.google.com/group/alt.suicide.holiday/browse_frm/thread/f4ec69729c56fc8f/ed3a142601cfb709?lnk=st&q=qsuess+half&rnum=3&hl=en#ed3a142601cfb709

June 3, 1999, 2:00am

Where are the words to describe
The devastation of being
half dead and half alive.
I feel the pain, I know I live.
I feel the cold, I know I'm dead.
Emotions buried, memories buried.
For such a long, long time.
Tears run down my face.
The anger, the knowing, so unkind.
Dig, dig up the things that are so foul.
They come to life! They live! (the memories)
As I tell another person out loud.
The fears, the hurting, what they did.
Don't feel, don't believe.
I grieve and grieve
so the pain will cease.
The memories can only be buried
with me, as I
Rest in peace